gelukkige/dankzegging

前陣子錄了 Let it go。原 key。頓時覺得 AutoTune 實在太恐怖。
話說回來,最近腦袋又常常響著拉拉的不難,害我也好想錄,
但拉拉的不難真的很難。

去了不讀書俱樂部的首演,
意料之內的是開場沒幾分鐘就哭,哭到結尾
不過對不點來說倒是意料之外--哎,但我好笑的地方也還是笑到岔氣。
就差沒岔到 R06.4 要退場了。

然後休想要我看 The Theory of Everything。

當初沒把 BOA 帳戶關掉,事後證明很好用( 但也是因為我的 checking account 的 fee-waiver 太容易達成 )
前次去決定留著 AT&T 號碼,沒想到這麼快就派上用場,
真的一下飛機就可以有手機數據網路還是太方便。
那次去了紐約後,本來就覺得會再造訪大蘋果一次,
但也沒想到再去就不是去玩,而是要去生活。

但可惜紐沒有 Souplantation。之前在美國待那麼陣子,我也只去過一次 Souplanatation,實在可惜。
但畢竟我住在 SD 貧民區( 聳肩 )

幫土豆跟大臉求婚錄影,
大概是最近知道/參加過的求婚屬一( 沒有屬二 )搞剛的,
不過這也只是開始而已,
後面毛很多又搞剛的事情才麻煩的呢,

千里迢迢跑去九份( 從台北出發,回台北,沒到基隆 )看 selina 和育志老師的的小音樂會,
結果只有我一個她的大學同學去,
餐會就有點乾,
但最後卻在大家即興要在餐廳玩音樂的時候,
就也上台鋼琴伴奏。
沒譜的 Canon 完全爛掉,
倒是視奏望春風還不賴~

然後現在也越來越注意幫人錄影時,
錄音也很重要,
還好三四年前買的 SONY 錄音機依然很好用~
雖然很想下手買一千美金的錄音機,
但是當初只花了兩百多美金就買到這台台幣一萬塊的,一整個物超所值

除了一堆被 commission 的照片跟錄影檔要處理之外,
也有無敵多的自己的 code 要寫,
但也還是有很多想要拍的 物品 或 景色,
看來時間永遠不夠用…

年中的時候本來想買 Nexus 9,
結果看到它的價格一整個倒彈。
最後在 Amazon 上面搶到一台全新 Nexus 5 ( 在美國買卻還是 TWN region!)
之後再買一台 Kindle Voyage,
加下來還比 Nexus 9 LTE 便宜。
有好多書想買喔,但搬家來搬家去的實在不能再買實體書了。
更別說那個誇張價錢誇張大小的 Nexus 6 了。

既然都講到 3C 了,那就讓我繼續說一下--
這次 MacMini 發佈之後,實在讓我大失所望,
看來下一台電腦還是要 hackintosh。
是說,真的是怎樣都覺得錢很少,
換工作後薪水都接近 double 了…
不過也是因為結婚很花錢啦

但說到結婚,
有次在小七買 1664 還是被看 ID,真誇張。

那麼 Orlando Disney 我來啦!

啊對,我可沒有要放 Let it go 連結的意思就是。

Paradoxical Parallax

Even though I’ve never met C in person and I had only talked to her on MSN no more than a couple times, her persona, the name of her board at ptt2, and her likings of Yashichi (in manga/anime “Mirmo!”) kept stuck in my head, and from time to time I recall them, and pay a visit to C’s board.

And this time, I discovered that she got married last summer. To S, indeed.

*** *** *** ***

“My finest eight years was spent in the relationship with you, so that when I met him, two years later, I could marry him right away.”

This really echoes my most entangled fantasy about relationship that takes place during people’s late adolescence into early twenties. This fantasy I’ve never been able to resolve, to the least degree, despite psychotherapy non-stop for seven-plus years.

For me, the memories in the finest years are my greatest treasure. In those years I first learned how to regard the important other — as more important than myself; in those years I first learned how to defy the selfish devil in my inner self; in those years I first realized how one can be hurt while being so strong and apparently so invincible; and in those years I first agonizingly admitted there is no such thing that never changes.

And, as nowadays life has become much more arduously difficult than before, only by clinging onto the memories would I be able to live through it, as they would soothe me through dissociation and imagination, and would offer me salvation.

For me, traces of the memories can so easily reflect in my current day-to-day life, that I almost always am inclined to ask —
How can I give myself up — give my memories — the most treasure memories in my finest years — up, such that I might live a new life with the possible encounters of new people, when even those memories are still so fresh and my current persona is more or less the composition and deposition of the memories, and when my every thought, every dream, every living moment, every step on the street and every breathing and solitary second are merely the embodiment in the links to the memories?

How can you tell me to live on, while it is so effortlessly automatic to recall the exact thought and feeling in my memories where I lived the same moment?

*** *** *** ***

Maybe I am just too afraid. To let go of the memories, to accept that the finest years was a past, to acknowledge that it is impossible to relive the old encounters once they are gone, and it is only primitively naïve to think that traces of the old memories do reflect into current experiences — while in fact they don’t, being but mirages.

Coming to think about it, I am probably just another S, E being C and the (poor I might say) D being L. Everyone around us will just keep saying, look at how fantastic you are right now, how bright and promising your future will be, and how courageously you have tried to make all these happen… But yet, I can’t really forget that these all happened at the cost of L, at the cost of coercing myself into faithfully regarding L irredeemably evil even though he probably hd never intended to be, and at the cost of overwriting and tearing apart those treasure memories from the finest years, even though memories are never designed to be overwritten and torn apart… they would just resurface to torture us when we become weak again some time.

*** *** *** ***

And I still don’t know. And it’s too late… my finest years were gone. Long gone. So are those of everyone else.

The finest years. I wish I had known that those would be my finest years, and the only ones, and that everything occurred in those years would be imprinted on my memories, eternally.

Well, yet, I have gradually found that the really wisdom people had hinted us: for example, the Chinese composition tasks in recent college entrance exams had asked us to come up philosophical, rather than literatural writings. They had told us that, to become a better and capable adult in this society, we must be both emotional and rational — emotional that we get to experience a lot from our encounters, and even memorize so, and rational that after the encounters are gone, we can admit our treasure memories are… just craps and can be materialized, very lightly, in any occasion — such as in the high-pressure circumstance like college entrance exams.

— —
Addendum: Yes I know L got himself some new girlfriend(s) too. Doesn’t matter.

Year’s Reflections

The past year was yet another one of constant changing. Maybe not one with big changes, but probably one with the most number of important, substantial, and impactful changes. It was one year of many thrilling rides.

First of all I took on my first full-time job. As it turned out, I probably had all the luck of the universe for this matter, for I had wonderful office atmosphere, wonderful boss(es) and wonderful colleagues. My first work hasn’t been like what the society had threatened us to be, which I think is very fortunate. In this favorable working environment, my reasoning, communication and team-work capability have improved rapidly, as well as my professional and technical skills.

And I had myself encounter a soul mate who would become my girlfriend, and this opened up a whole new dimension in my life. What’s more, my girlfriend has always supported me to explore my inner self (and I’ve supported her to do the same too). Though, from time to time I still find it very challenging to always be true to myself and to always know the workings of my ego (in Freud’s terms) on-the-spot (I call it “being egoscient”). Also, well, you know, after the countless (figuratively) years of transactional-analytical psychotherapy, I thought I could handle matters of any size that would arise from interaction with my beloved (and even if I couldn’t I would know how to objectively contemplate on the matters) — but oh well, I guess there is still a lot wisdom to learn.

Coming along with the commencement of my first full-time job was the cessation of my old duties: the official community forums of Messenger Plus! have been shut down, and the Skype version of the plug-in would stop working anytime soon. Surely long before this, I had distanced myself from the comunity, not joining IRC (if our channel had actually still existed) or Shoutbox, not providing much assistance on the forums, and even having quit translation and beta-testing over two and half years ago — it had not been Patchou’s era anyway — but now that I see the decomposition after the evolution all along the decade, I feel empty. Just like one’s had a dream, and when one wakes up, things are like having never happened and one’s memory touches like fakely real, if not really fake.

As I stepped further into the second half of my twenties, I began to perceive physiological aging. Less and less possible it’s become that I could stay up late now. Even if I managed to stay up and get then normal-duration sleep, the negative repercussions of offset circadian rhythms would last more days than ever before, and I would lose more productivity than I had had by staying up. And however much exercise I do, my body would just not stay fit — in fact, the rising trends of my body fat ratio and my heart rate chill the sitting-at-the-desk-all-day-long engineer out. What’s worse, memory — the best gift I thought God had ever bestowed me — continues to deteriorate, and now I can’t even recall what I used to effortlessly remember.

With time going on, I see people getting physically ill and being haunted by mood disorders, or even there are those who would die… and as always I can barely help. And such fact creates a sense of helplessness in myself too. And… since when has the person who shouldn’t die before our next meet-up become you, and not me?

Let’s wait and see for the even more to come.

在九月開始,無名結束之前

其實第一個無名是八年前開的 不是六年半前開的
但關聯的yahoo帳號已經太久沒登入被刪掉了
剛剛看了六年半前的備份
讓我想到一句話 忘記是不是張愛玲說的
" 如果你認識以前的我,或許你會原諒現在的我 "
又或許
你會對於我命大地苟延殘喘感到厭惡

話說回來
就跟當初的msn spaces還有msn messenger一樣
人家要賜給你死 你大概也只有說謝主隆恩的命
只是我沒想到spaces才沒收三年 我才把文章剛搬來無名 就又要搬走了

不過欸 我已經是電腦高手了
其實搬網誌搬相簿對我來說只是寫寫程式的問題
只是我怎樣都想要親手做啊
一篇文章一篇文章地搬
一張照片一張照片地重新瀏覽
才知道自己曾經多麼不可原諒 多麼該被賜死
而現在多命大地活得多苟延殘喘

只好默默地想
香港的陷落成全了白流蘇
或許無名的陷落也會成全了誰吧

網站在下雨人卻沒在下雨

跟Eka在一起之後,由於都要從基隆跑去台北約會,所以一舉把作息調得比之前正常得多。幾乎再也沒有過快天亮才睡覺。工作之後,作息更是正常到不行;甚至還出現了半夜之前就準備上床睡覺的時間。長期體驗之後,才發現早睡早起很好啊!不過進辦公室就盯著電腦看,倒也沒有那種「早起可以看到很長時間的陽光」的fu。早睡還有另外一個好處:睡覺的時候肚子還有東西,不會想要睡前吃宵夜,對胃食道逆流的我來說很重要。話說回來,我一直以為我以前睡前吃東西,是因為肚子會餓,但現在發現,根本就是嘴饞而已。從來沒有半夜肚子餓醒之類(倒是偶爾有前一天晚上吃太油,半夜要起來補制酸劑。)

新買了最便宜的Nexus 7,叫他待機時播放我的picasa album,才發現我有些照片都超好看。(自誇)

因為Eka成為了我的女朋友,所以可以死皮賴臉(?)請她指導我改Allodynia。在一堆大改之後,Allodynia整個成為非常有質感的網站!超開心兒~

最近講話都有個「兒」。習慣是莫名就養成的東西,除了「兒」以外,早睡也是。每天八點前後聽到房門打開的聲音,看到自己心愛的人向自己道早安也是。而習慣,再怎麼做也不覺得膩,一天見面三次也是,從Line聊到Skype聊到MSN也是…(憨)

然後,才不過眨眼的瞬間,MSN要被微軟關掉了。不過我早就沒在MSN上積極聊天,自從有了智慧型手機之後,Line、FB、Skype都各自有不同的對象聊,在MSN上了不起只有偶爾和仙貝傳傳沒意義的彼鳥或兔斯基圖。還只留在MSN上的人,不聯絡也沒關係,也沒有轉移到Skype上面。po文的今天,正好看到不少人都不能登入MSN,雖然TReKiE發布了reviver,不過我想就這樣讓MSN離開我的生命吧。對我來說MSN是什麼呢?是國中到大學、研究所的記憶的一大角;是間接賺錢的工具;某些顯示圖片總有特別意義;總有固定的片段會出現在我的顯示名稱;#52ca2a的字體顏色用了十幾年不變……。

恐怕再也找不到,在虛擬世界上,能讓我這麼堅持的東西了吧。

2013

又過去了一年
每年每年都感覺
自己的靈魂
每日每刻 被環境 折斷某個角 磨出了傷口
又為了抵抗環境 多長了畸瘤 突出了怪結

一個十年過去了的時候 往回望
已經 看不出 被折斷 被磨破 的 疤痕
也 記不得 這個突結 那個圓瘤 究竟是新長的 還是以前就有的
都不是自己原來的那個靈魂了

像是
被環境折掉的 不再傷害自己了 的那個靈魂碎片
但其實
想傷害 的潛質 還是活在那邊
於是靈魂就長出了另一塊結節 要去 傷害別人片 那樣子的碎片

還有
再怎麼樣 那些記憶
包括 對事實的客觀的記憶 和 對感覺的主觀的記憶
都沒有變
變的只是 回憶的方式
變的只是 對痛覺的反射遲鈍 對快樂的想法冷感 對發怒的意義絕望 對哀傷的思考瘋狂

不過 再怎麼變
不僅要繼續接受自己
而更重要的是 要 接受別人眼中的自己
畢竟 自己以為的自己 跟 別人眼中的自己
差得太多了 太多了
自己還以為自己是 沒有折斷 沒有長凸結 沒有傷口結痂 沒有怪角 的那個 原來的自己
但是別人看到的我 卻是
靈魂遍佈是坑洞 又長滿畸瘤異角 的
惡獸一個

然後
愛別人之前要學會愛自己
而且 愛自己 不只是 要知道自己是什麼並接受之愛之
而更要知道自己不是什麼 還永遠都不可能是什麼
繼而也接受這個事實 擁抱這個事實
要 愛這個自己的靈魂 接下來的每年每日每刻
都要繼續被這個環境 折斷角 磨出傷口 長出畸瘤 突出怪結
帶刺難嚥 的 事實

總之 從未出現在生命藍圖的2013 從未想像的2013
繼續不再年輕
妄論 興致勃勃地 說出 要加油 要努力 會支持的
那是無法承擔的
一切

沒有情感地彈琴

最近暫停所有新曲子的練習,了不起偶爾彈一下pathétique mov 1。大部分彈琴的時間都花在用非常標準的指法和相當平均的力道、穩當卻不失靈活柔軟的的手腕,練哈農。

彈哈農,基本上是不用放入任何感情,不用做樂句;彈了一陣子下來,變得我平常彈的曲子也習慣抽離感情地彈了。

不過,我平常就是比較愛彈baroque、classicism,反而覺得這些時期的多數曲子,好像抽離情感地彈,反而更有音樂性,更讓人覺得忠於原著。就算是pathétique--好吧,其實悲愴之名也不真是貝多芬親取,現在還是就先叫它第八號鋼琴奏鳴曲--彈的時候,不特別哭,不特別笑,但是要將本來拿去哭笑的力量放到上半身,忠實做好grave段的厚實觸鍵、allegro段的輕巧換指,聽眾自然會感覺到在音符後面的意義--是貝多芬賦予曲子的意義,而不是演奏者自己的詮釋。

當時十月初想要在十一月底之前練好貝多芬第八號鋼琴奏鳴曲,讓人聽了覺得很有resolution的fu,卻沒做到,我想問題就是因為我練的方法不對吧。畢竟是classicism的音樂啊,或許像這樣沒有感情地(emotionless,卻不是dynamic-less)彈反而更正確。不過我廢話這麼多,現在貝多芬第八號鋼琴奏鳴曲彈起來還是非常難聽,總之就是個嘴砲。

掰掰台灣

搬回基隆之後就一直在做的新的個人概念網站鏘鏘鏘的好了! 這裡

雖然這篇文章大概跟為什麼要掰掰台灣沒啥關係就是了

iphone5發表了 不過就跟之前MR leak的差不多 就那樣
對我來說比較重要的當然是ios6啦~
對我來說siri中文辨識的精準度大概跟英文差不多
做一些小事情是還滿準的~
額外的中文語音輸入倒是非常好用
但就如大家所講的蘋果自己的地圖app真是災難一場

另外nikon也發表了D600
簡單來看就是d7000的全幅升級版
但如果這樣來看的話我覺得一整個賣太貴
雖然說如果再便宜一點的話d400會被擠壓到(但我覺得應該直接不出d400才是?)
所以我想我應該會存夠錢一口氣上d800的下一代拔…

最近看一年一度的牙醫
雖然是醫院門診 不過當天就把兩個小小的caries補起來 然後就說沒事了
感覺心情沒有很好的住院醫師說 就這樣繼續維持下去不會有問題
我想某c看到我這段話 想到我又可以繼續一大口一大口的吃h-d 應該很不是滋味

回基隆之後更常去海大室外池游泳
所以腿越來越有明顯的色差了~
另外現在多少會由一點自由式

我在想"有在我的facebook好友名單上"會不會變成一種新的friend class說
不過我記得我曾經很堅持facebook好友要好好過濾的不是
嘛?

跟又已經很久沒見面的泡泡見面
其實上次見面是今年六月初 不過那時候只有簡短的交換禮物也沒聊天
這次是好好吃了個晚餐這樣
(再上次見面就去年六月了偶)

不知道是不是因為沒有事情地搬回基隆?
最近跟家裡還滿算有溝通~

說到溝通
如果"還在想理由"也能成為一種理由就好了
但其實有這樣的想法的人 或許也不會真的把這句話說出來
最好的方法可能還是要想辦法變成不會被別人在意的人吧?
這我倒是很拿手就是了 啊哈哈哈哈

某次在碧砂漁港沒用腳架拍到這張照片

是說星芒還不賴!

然後和摳拉去爬象山拍101黃昏

也不賴!

這次在摳啦揪團之下去看了大稻埕煙火
因為要攝影的關係下午三點半就去佔位子
最後成品倒是還不錯! (點下圖進Flickr相簿)

矮 掰掰