因為你都不寫網誌

所以只好我來寫了。
實際上是,我還真沒辦法久久不用綿密私語的方式記錄我的生活;你現在沒了網誌給我回應,我只好拿自己的來用。
本來是想要再開一個網誌,不過這樣下去,擁有四個網誌的人肯定不是正常人。雖然,就算只有三個,似乎也不太是正常人,這樣。
那麼先祝所謂「你」的c看到這篇網誌的時候,身體已經好點了。

說到那信,
最後我聽從了我們的國中同學的建議,
把信寄到了對方的FB信箱;是我最有把握人家可以收到信的管道。
但就在那時,我也同時發現對方開了plurk的karma假期,再也沒有登入過。
或許是註定要錯過的吧。

最近快把My Sister's Keeper看完了。不消說,原文。
突然想起你曾經建議我不要看法院判決之後的內容。
現在剛看到Campbell在開庭時癲癇發作倒下,
突然覺得這位律師角色,我感到意外地親近熟稔。
父母的期待,不想忘記的過去,孤單,日常生活並不包括純知心的朋友這一環,身懷一個天大的祕密、雖然不能說卻又得隨時帶著「我有秘密」的標誌--而,為了對外隱藏這一切,必須更孤立自己;但又超乎自己意料地介意一個自己根本不需要幫忙的小女孩。
我唯一不滿的是,他的Grand mal seizure居然正是他離開Julia的原因;這太落入愛情小說的俗套了。也罷,又不是主線劇情(笑)。

大概是這樣。

我在台灣的同學朋友們都知道我不太喜歡這裡的某位同學。這位同學還滿沒腦的,而且沒腦的點正好都是我不太愛被踩的點,所以就,不喜歡。
但,在照片上,這位同學總是笑得非常開懷,像小孩子一樣無憂無慮地,一點也看不出二十多歲的痕跡。
所以我就更不喜歡人家了。哪有沒腦的人還可以這麼開心的道理。我是這樣想的。
--或許這就是我總是不快樂的原因吧。
順帶一提,這位同學是台北市立****高級中學畢業的。
那個學校對你來說是禁忌,就容我馬賽克了。

吧。

來我房間的訪客,進門都先注意到我的23"大螢幕(雖然23"一點也不大,只是從台灣來的大家在美國都用筆電罷了),以及粉紅色的無刻字鍵盤。接下來,看到床上的三、四隻玩偶。然後注意到我用真空密閉罐裝起來的,兩三個月份的藥。
我倒是和Campbell一樣,對於「那是什麼藥」的問題,每次都有不同的回答。最近很愛的回答是:控制體重的藥。

我來美國之後倒是還沒量過體重。當然也沒有正常吃三餐,不過速食和巧克力是吃得多了,說自己已經超過110磅,恐怕還是「不」保守估計。也好,忘記自己對自己的扭曲的期待。

說到玩偶,偶爾我會夢到回家過週末,就連抱著米奇抱著龍貓的觸感都夢得一清二楚。早知道海關這麼容易過,真該把全家上下都帶來。

今天在公車上聽到一位中年婦人(操控iPod nano時必須把眼鏡推上額頭的中年)戴著耳機,哼著Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World。我第一次聽到這首輕快的歌,是高三時,Aselin Debison的翻唱版本。這位中年婦人的歌聲和Debison一樣甜美(是的,甜美),真好。

那麼說到公車--今天塞車又拖班,在一小段路上居然塞了15、936、856三輛公車。你知道這畫面在保時捷比公車多的聖地牙哥有多難得嘛。

最近有違和感的事:
五年前我去清大資工09系板看到的ID們,現在上了台大研究所,變成我台大資工b94大學同學的臉書好友。是ID「們」。有好幾個這樣的人。

我當初會去CS09系板,不消說,也是因為我們的某位國中同學(而當然不是因為我有三個高中同學也進了那個系)。我跟她,已經有陣子沒講過MSN,也幾乎沒在面冊或plurk連絡了。我從未料到會如此。

那麼節錄一段剛剛提過的My Sister's Keeper,作為這篇網誌的結束。至於最近的照片,請自己去面冊看。

ps. 在這裡有志吃遍所有的Häagen-Dazs口味。昨天新買到Limited Edition的Amaretto Almond Crunch。我本來是不愛杏仁,但這罐還不錯吃。甜甜的。

(Wednesday/Campbell)

    THE ONLY THING COMPARABLE to the aftermath of a grand mal seizure is waking up on the pavement with a hangover from the mother of all frat parties and immediately being run over by a truck. On second thought, maybe a grand mal is worse. I am covered in my own filth, hooked up to medicine and falling apart at the seams, when Julia walks toward me. "It's a seizure dog," I say.

    "No kidding." Julia holds out her hand for Judge to sniff. She points to the couch beside me. "Can I sit down?"

    "It's not catching, if that's what you mean."

    "It wasn't." Julia comes close enough that I can feel the heat from her shoulder, inches away from mine. "Why didn't you tell me, Campbell?"

    "Christ, Julia, I didn't even tell my parents." I try to look over her shoulder into the hallway. "Where's Anna?"

    "How long has this been going on?"

    I try to get up, and manage to lift myself a half inch before my strength gives out. " I have to get back in there."

    "Campbell."

    I sigh. "A while."

    "A while, as in a week?"

    Shaking my head, I say, "A while, as in two days before we graduated from Wheeler." I look up at her. "The day I took you home, all I wanted was to be with you. When my parents told me I had to go to that stupid dinner at the country club, I followed them in my own car, so I could make a quick escape—I was planning on driving back to your house, that night. But on the way to dinner, I got into a car accident. I came through with a few bruises, and that night, I had the first seizure. Thirty CT scans later, the doctors still couldn't really tell me why, but they made it pretty clear I'd have to live with it forever." I take a deep breath. "Which is what made me realize that no one else should have to."

    "What?"

    "What do you want me to say, Julia? I wasn't good enough for you. You deserved better than some freak who might fall down frothing at the mouth any old minute."

    Julia goes perfectly still. "You might have let me make up my own mind."

    "What difference would it have made? Like you really would have gotten great satisfaction guarding me like Judge does when it happens; wiping up after me, living at the end of my life." I shake my head. "You were so incredibly independent. A free spirit. I didn't want to be the one who took that away from you."

    "Well, if I'd had the choice, maybe I wouldn't have spent the past fifteen years thinking there was something the matter with me."

    "You?" I start to laugh. "Look at you. You're a knockout. You're smarter than I am. You're on a career track and you're family-centered and you probably even can balance your checkbook."

    "And I'm lonely, Campbell," Julia adds. "Why do you think I had to learn to act so independent? I also get mad too quickly, and I hog the covers, and my second toe is longer than my big one. My hair has its own zip code. Plus, I get certifiably crazy when I've got PMS. You don't love someone because they're perfect," she says. "You love them in spite of the fact that they're not."

    I don't know how to respond to that; it's like being told after thirty-five years that the sky, which I've seen as a brilliant blue, is in fact rather green.

    "And another thing—this time, you don't get to leave me. I'm going to leave you."

    If possible, that only makes me feel worse. I try to pretend it doesn't hurt, but I don't have the energy. "So go."

    Julia settles next to me. "I will," she says. "In another fifty or sixty years."

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