Even though I’ve never met C in person and I had only talked to her on MSN no more than a couple times, her persona, the name of her board at ptt2, and her likings of Yashichi (in manga/anime “Mirmo!”) kept stuck in my head, and from time to time I recall them, and pay a visit to C’s board.
And this time, I discovered that she got married last summer. To S, indeed.
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“My finest eight years was spent in the relationship with you, so that when I met him, two years later, I could marry him right away.”
This really echoes my most entangled fantasy about relationship that takes place during people’s late adolescence into early twenties. This fantasy I’ve never been able to resolve, to the least degree, despite psychotherapy non-stop for seven-plus years.
For me, the memories in the finest years are my greatest treasure. In those years I first learned how to regard the important other — as more important than myself; in those years I first learned how to defy the selfish devil in my inner self; in those years I first realized how one can be hurt while being so strong and apparently so invincible; and in those years I first agonizingly admitted there is no such thing that never changes.
And, as nowadays life has become much more arduously difficult than before, only by clinging onto the memories would I be able to live through it, as they would soothe me through dissociation and imagination, and would offer me salvation.
For me, traces of the memories can so easily reflect in my current day-to-day life, that I almost always am inclined to ask —
How can I give myself up — give my memories — the most treasure memories in my finest years — up, such that I might live a new life with the possible encounters of new people, when even those memories are still so fresh and my current persona is more or less the composition and deposition of the memories, and when my every thought, every dream, every living moment, every step on the street and every breathing and solitary second are merely the embodiment in the links to the memories?
How can you tell me to live on, while it is so effortlessly automatic to recall the exact thought and feeling in my memories where I lived the same moment?
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Maybe I am just too afraid. To let go of the memories, to accept that the finest years was a past, to acknowledge that it is impossible to relive the old encounters once they are gone, and it is only primitively naïve to think that traces of the old memories do reflect into current experiences — while in fact they don’t, being but mirages.
Coming to think about it, I am probably just another S, E being C and the (poor I might say) D being L. Everyone around us will just keep saying, look at how fantastic you are right now, how bright and promising your future will be, and how courageously you have tried to make all these happen… But yet, I can’t really forget that these all happened at the cost of L, at the cost of coercing myself into faithfully regarding L irredeemably evil even though he probably hd never intended to be, and at the cost of overwriting and tearing apart those treasure memories from the finest years, even though memories are never designed to be overwritten and torn apart… they would just resurface to torture us when we become weak again some time.
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And I still don’t know. And it’s too late… my finest years were gone. Long gone. So are those of everyone else.
The finest years. I wish I had known that those would be my finest years, and the only ones, and that everything occurred in those years would be imprinted on my memories, eternally.
Well, yet, I have gradually found that the really wisdom people had hinted us: for example, the Chinese composition tasks in recent college entrance exams had asked us to come up philosophical, rather than literatural writings. They had told us that, to become a better and capable adult in this society, we must be both emotional and rational — emotional that we get to experience a lot from our encounters, and even memorize so, and rational that after the encounters are gone, we can admit our treasure memories are… just craps and can be materialized, very lightly, in any occasion — such as in the high-pressure circumstance like college entrance exams.
Addendum: Yes I know L got himself some new girlfriend(s) too. Doesn’t matter.